Hello reader. If you’re still here reading this, thanks for sticking with me. I’ve been away on a journey, and am only returning now. I’ll never get back to my life before. That was then; this is now.
I have been avoiding this blog really from lack of energy, lack of will and being at a loss for words. At the same time, I have placed writing in the back seat, staying silent as I navigated my way in a world I no longer recognized.
Our son passed way suddenly almost 15 months ago. Wading through days and weeks of numbing pain gave way to months of the deepest heartache. An utter longing for things to be different, for our family to be back intact, without a huge hole in our hearts and the heart of the family.
Before this tragedy, ( we start to mark the time as “before the event and “after the event”) many people would say, ” 6 kids! Wow! That must be 6 times the joy.” And it was. But my analytical side would whisper silently, “that also means 6 times the likelihood that something bad will happen.”I remember many times saying to my husband, that if we lost one of our kids, it would break me. I would never recover. I just wouldn’t survive.
I truly believed that, so I also lived with anxiety underpinning my daily life. And then one day, last fall, the worst happened. In an instant I felt the crushing agony of our lives being forever altered and a beautiful life torn out of this earth and sent on a journey without the rest of us.
“Life is eternal; and love is immortal;
and death is only a horizon; and a horizon is nothing
save the limit of our sight.”
-Rossiter Raymond
This year has been hard of course on many levels, but I sit here, 15 months later, the pain somewhat lessened by time, but the memories still bittersweet. I was wrong about recovery. You never recover, you alter. You reluctantly adjust. You would do ANYTHING to have your old life back but those requests go unanswered.
So you find a way to keep going. You survive. Because YOU HAVE TO. You can’t change it even though you’d easily trade in your life for an exchange. You come to understand that there is no choice but to keep going.
I cannot bring him back but I can go forward. If I can’t have him here with us, then one of my purposes is to spread a little of his generosity, his laughter and his joy out into the world, and share him with others. That’s how I will survive. That’s how I will keep him close and honour his life. That’s how I will weather this storm.
Kathy Pardell 
Kathy, my heart hurts for you and I shed tears at the thought of possible loss in my own family. We haven’t experienced it with our own children but my sister has … and that hurts my heart as well … but differently than a Mom’s loss. How can I get one of those cards? I’d love to ‘pay it forward’ in the name of your son, Robb.
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Thank you Carolyn.You’re such a caring soul. My best to you and your family this Christmas.
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Hi Kathy,
Good to hear from you again. Love you, girl!
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Thanks Jan. Hope to see you in the New Year!!
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It’s so good to hear your “voice “ This is such a lovely thoughtful way to share Rob’s generous joyful spirit . My sister recently lost her 30 year old son to suicide-a dad of two little ones and a loving wife. There are no words- and yet you seem to have found them❤️ I will share your story with her. Know that there are many lifting you up including me❤️
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Oh thank you for your kind words Joanne. I’m just now getting back to writing, and thought I should address my absence. My prayers for your sister and his family. Too many tragedies:((
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I felt my heart break as I read your very touching post. I pray for continued healing for you and your family as you go forward. May God bless.
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Thanks you so much Gerri. And I really appreciate prayers so thank you again.
Blessings,
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I know I just write words here and my words seem empty but I’m glad you shared and what a neat thing to do to honor your son. I am so sorry. I can’t even imagine the pain and heartache and loss. Hugs to you my friend!
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Thank you for your kind words Rhadonda. So sweet of you to reach out:)
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Kathy, I am so sorry. My few words won’t make much difference but I’m praying for you and your family right now.
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So sweet of you Linda. Thank you for your prayers:))
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Note to self…. don’t read this while at work. A well written heart breaking piece my dear sister. My heart has a dull ache everyday for you all even though I know Robb would never want that for any of you. We will continue to think of him and bring his spirit along with us as we continue our life’s journey. It’s the best way I know of to keep his spirit alive. Much love.
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Thanks Lori. Beautifully stated.
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This was so moving but I mistakenly read it at work!! I’ll remember to bring more mascara with me in future. Keep him with you always, in laughter and sorrow and his soul will fill your heart with the energy to move forward. Please send more cards when you have them!! Love you,Lorka
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Dear Kathy, I have been thinking of you and your entire family. How sad to lose your son… These grown children are still our entire world and without Robb this world is so so different than it should be. You are an inspirational writer and I am so pleased to see your words on paper once more. Difficult and haunting words that others need to read ❤️
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Thank you so much Brenda. Yes it is surreal-still doesn’t feel like this can be the new reality, even 15 months later. Every day is a new challenge thinking he should be here to close the gap left behind. Take care and hug those kids and grand babies. I appreciate you reaching out!
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